[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Called it
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT