Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”