Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱