Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Who says great literature is dead?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
A classic…
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
