Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Going to church you guys need anything
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I am never leaving this website
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.