Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Me buying fruit and veg

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

oh you wanna fight?!

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist