Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.