[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
