[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
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Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I never needed anything more in my life
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Banderslack Clamberdorch
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder