[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock