[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
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[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.