Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.