[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.