[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
crazy
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
*watches the world burn*
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Brb my Sims are getting married
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma