[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.