Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
You Might Also Like
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
The Onion called it…again.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”