Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
What’s the point buying it then?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Friday night party time 🥳
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.