Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams