[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My last name is Zilla.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho