[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
You Might Also Like
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever