Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered