Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers