Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails