Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Pretty much! 😂👀
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I am absolutely never leaving this website
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to