Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
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There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets