No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting