Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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*frowns in Scottish*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I feel attacked.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*