Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey