Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Ion see the issue

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.