Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.