Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
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Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…