Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
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Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me