Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
nice challenge