Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis