Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Kids, do not try this at home!