Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
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My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Accurate
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.