Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
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How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
