Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?