Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.