Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
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IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old