Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

If a snake ate a cake

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.