Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Anarchy
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Just as the prophecy foretold
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.