Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*