Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

my first day as a raccoon

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.