Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
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BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together