Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

When does CPR become necrophilia?

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

honestly, i need both:

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*