Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.