Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.