Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

When you “pspspsp” too hard

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.