Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Oops I deleted….
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?