Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

The Eggorcist

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

I’ve had worse