Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Spring of Deception

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

WWE is French for “yes”

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches