Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
For anyone who needs this today
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets