Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning