Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
☠️
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.