Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I think I’m having a stroke
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?