Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.