Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

Is….Is this an option?

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.