Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”