Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks