Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?