Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

blocked.

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

My beach vacation Google searches

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.