Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan