Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Proofread twice, hang posters once

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Jupiter

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”