Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
You Might Also Like
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Home #decor warning.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!