Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
You Might Also Like
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
She might be a genius
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.