Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.