glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.