Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Buying a well is money well spent.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.