Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
your honor my client chooses dare
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*